Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Saving the Daily Mail some time

I've realised the danger of dying horrifically and tragically for some time now. However, aside from the actual, y'know, dying part, there is a secondary danger: the Mail might write about you. Even worse, they might write about you to make a point about your lifestyle.

So here's the Daily Mail column that I imagine will be written about me, in the event of my demise. 


      Ever since barmaid Natalie Dzerins was found gnawed to death by a hoarde of escaped, stampeding chinchillas last week, we have been digging up dirt about her in order to tie her death in with one (or more) of our sickening agendas trying to rationalise why such a thing would happen to a young girl in the prime of her life.     

Some may say she was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, but what we really must ask ourselves is how we can turn this series of events around to sell more newspapers to idiots if it really wasn't the fault of her lifestyle?     

Not a normal young woman: Chinchilla victim, Natalie Dzerins   

   As I approach the house that Natalie shared with a man who was not her husband or boyfriend, but instead a "housemate", I am struck by the bleakness of her surroundings, living as she did in a rented back-to-back terraced house instead of a decent house that we could have property porn wanks over.   

   Entering the house, I am greeted straight away by what she, in her poverty-stricken Northern way would term 'the living room'. As a self-described 'feminist', Natalie had made no attempt to make this into a nice home to raise children in. The furniture is mismatched, and the divide to the kitchen is merely a breakfast bar. Copies of the Guardian lie in a pile for recycling near a pair of Doc Martens, showing how truly warped this young woman's mind was before her demise.     

Not a place for children: Natalie's squalid living room shows her unbalanced state of mind.  

    I am also saddened by the text books that lie on the sofa. There are no magazines like Hello or Grazia anywhere, to indicate that Natalie may have sought better for herself, but instead they are replaced by books with titles like "Contract Law: Cases and Materials" and "What's Wrong With Feminism Today?". I can only imagine that Natalie was lying to herself  by not getting married and raising a family before her death. These are not the reading materials of a normal young woman.    

  I venture up the stairs to nosy around investigate Natalie's mind further, by looking at her bedroom. I am met by a horrifying sight. Not only did Natalie insist on having a bookcase in her bedroom, it was also filled with more disturbing examples of literature like the ones I found downstairs. The precious few examples of fiction I am able to find are not, like one would expect, normal novels by the likes of Louise Bagshawe, but instead appear to be examples of the new trend of 'science fiction' and 'fantasy' books. If only she had found a man to tear her away from such follies, I am sure she would still be alive now.     

Glancing over her DVD collection, I am struck by the same sadness. This was not a sane young woman. Instead of trying to rectify her sad, childless existence by watching proper films for young women, she instead spent her time watching left-wing BBC programmes like 'Blackadder' and 'Doctor Who', when she was not watching films with violence in. Perhaps the violent manner of her death may be explained by this obsession of hers.     

Sickening: Natalie's bizzare taste in DVDs may explain her death    

Her wardrobe is even more disturbing. Natalie owned no clothes from Chanel or Versace. There is not even a Helmut Lang shirt. Rifling through her drawers, I do not even find a respectable Marks and Spencer's bra. This young woman's death must have been full of sadness at the realisation that she had not fulfilled her true potential.     

I go back downstairs to leave, full now of understanding at the real cause of this young woman's demise. Before I leave, I decide to check Natalie's fridge and her computer in order to gain better understanding of what mistakes young girls make which lead to them being eaten by chinchillas.     

As I expected, Natalie's fridge is almost bare. She had no husband or children to cook lovingly for. I am immensely disturbed to discover that Natalie was a vegetarian, a sickening and selfish practice which is known to cause cancer in anyone contemplating it (see health pages). I silently say thank you to God for taking Natalie in the way he did before she had chance to get ill and waste taxpayer's money, as she clearly had no BUPA plan.     

Finally, I turn on her computer. I notice immediately that she listens to whatever music we're linking with violent crime this week. She also has music by known homosexuals on her computer. Again, I thank God for taking her before she got AIDS or cancer caused by such a debauched mindset.     

Natalie had 264 'friends' on Facebook, but no husband to protect her from chinchillas. I weep at this. Her dangerous lunacy prevented her from acquiring the one thing that would have made her truly happy.     

As I leave Bradford, I see a couple with children leaving church who, rather poignantly, are not being eaten by chinchillas. Perhaps this is a lesson Natalie could have learned which would mean she would still be alive today.

 EDIT: I am now doing more of these at Daily Mail Death Articles, where you can request your own in the Daily Mail writer of your choice!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I feel like I really KNOW you now. Cos' talking online isn't, like, real, y'know?

    Anyway, I reckon you faked your death. Some of those heels could do some real damage to a chinchilla.

  3. Adore this piece, really made me chuckle.

    I dread to think what they'd write about me. Protester, politics student, left-wing blogger and member of various groups which would send Daily Mail readers into spasms.

    Ceri x (casteaways.com)

  4. You're not going to make it as a DM reporter with sloppy work like this. The title of the piece accurately reflects the contents of the story! Where are the quotes from "close friends"? You can't libel the dead. Also, is it possible that you or someone you know is Muslim? If not, can you find a "close friend" who thinks you might be and quote them?

    Apart from that, I think I used to have the same armchair as that and please put the Bromwell High DVD back in the cardboard sleeve (it's getting bent out of shape!), thank you.

  5. Also, you may appreciate this:


    Ceri x (Casteaways.com)

  6. But what kind of pizza did she eat?? Enquiring minds need to know!